I've been thinking lately how we can't really write everything we'd want to say in our LJs. It's kind of a sad subtle form of censorship, but when you write with an audience, I guess you have to expect it. If I really wanted a private journal, I'd write more private entries. Or keep a paper journal. As it is, I don't really write about anything serious here anyway, it's pretty much completely random crap...
Well, here's an entry about the way I'm feeling, since I've been having "feelings discussions" with people lately. I'd like to also note the big difference between "I feel" and "I think," and I think that people use them far to interchangably. "I feel like you're ignoring me," and "I think you're ignoring me," are two very different statements.
I'm leaving it public because I'm not ashamed of any of it.
I think people seriously take advantage of the fact that I generally don't get outwardly angry and I don't hold grudges. I think sometimes people take it as free license to get extremely rude and pissy because they know I won't hold it against them whenever they decide not to be angry anymore. Sometimes I just want to completely ignore people when they do that and just wait for them to get over themselves, but in the end it'd only drag the issue out longer and I guess I value friendship more than to jerk people around like that.
I feel like I'm relied on too much by other people. I reccognize other people's failings and try not to fault them for doing things that I know are generally in their nature. (I have a policy of accepting a person, faults and all, or not accepting them and not being friends with them. I may gripe about people, but I don't expect to change them.) I don't think I'm extended the same courtesy by others, and I think my failure to not do things that people want me to do but aren't in my nature to do is making other people really upset when it's clearly not about them.
I feel like many people expect my full attention most of the time... hence my "I'm only one person" entry. Just because I'm not there every moment, doesn't mean I don't care. I go to school for 8 hours a day, and then I can't give however many people my full attention for the next however many hours until I go to sleep. Sometimes it's one person, sometimes it's another. I love you all, but I can't split myself into 5,000 different people.
I think some of you intentionally try to make me feel bad when I'm having a good time because you're feeling bad... and I think it ties into the first thing I had to say -- because you know I don't really get upset, and so you think it's an okay way to vent frustration because it won't affect me. It does, I just don't let it ruin my evening. But it does.
I think some of you think I can read your minds. If you're angry and I don't seem to know why, or I seem surprised that you're upset? I have no idea why. It's not an act. I am such a man sometimes, so you're gonna have to talk to me if you want to fix it. That's my number one pet peeve, actually -- NOTHING can get fixed if you don't talk about it.
No one has to comment with hugs or anything -- I'm not mad or upset or emo in any way, shape or form. In fact most of this doesn't even have to do with the people that read my journal. I just thought since other people were spilling their guts, I may as well too. Get it our there. Maybe it'll make some of you think?